Featured Essay

                                                    

   Tropical Storm Stalin Heads Towards Coast

There’s a raging controversy concerning hurricane monikers. The Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences empirically demonstrated gender stereotyping can have murderous consequences. On average, the Academy’s research indicated each male-named storm blew away fifteen persons while female-named ones killed at a clip of forty two. In layman’s terms, men and women are more fearful of being attacked by a storm named “Jack the Ripper” than “Betty Boop.” Both genders take greater precautions for masculine-named events, resulting in far fewer casualties. Sexist human nature.

This sobering scientific fact can be immediately corrected. My solution would save lives, property, reduce governmental costs and eliminate the need for any more studies on this subject. My answer: name hurricanes after history’s male monsters. I’d certainly throw up my hurricane shutters faster if a Category II named Genghis Khan was headed my way as opposed to a “Cindy,” a “Nancy,” or heaven forbid a “Halle.” My results-oriented proposal has seven fact-based reasons which underpin its immediate implementation:
• It’s simple, easy to do, and everyone on my draft list is already dead. I seriously doubt any forthcoming lawsuits from family members. Charles Manson would have made the list but he’s seventy-nine with living descendants.
• US Taxpayer’s paid for the Academy’s report. Let’s do something with its irrefutable findings rather than solely have them reported by the media and then gather dust on a shelf.
• Limiting names to historically horrible hell raisers of the male variety would stiff arm any feminist arguments. Certainly female miscreants have walked the earth but why cloud the issue any further.  Besides, from 1953 to 1978, hurricanes were only feminine-named. Let’s have it be the “men’s turn” for the next twenty five.
• Annually US Taxpayers spend millions in employing a staff of meteorologists who convene to brainstorm, multi-vote, and bring us a list of hurricane names to be utilized during the season. My proposal eliminates this wasteful bureaucratic exercise. It’s one which the Tea Party could get behind.
• Every time a hurricane appears, we’d also be reminded of the evil which has been and still lurks in the world. We won’t be left to forget the horrors of Ted Bundy, Adolph Hitler, and the rest.
• My solution should be enacted because it’s seriously offered up without regard for material gain. That’s why I didn’t include fictional villains like Dr. Evil, Dr. No, or Lex Luther. “Storms naming” should be undertaken with the utmost thought, not alphabetically and “boy- girl, boy-girl” which is the current practice.
• If just one life is saved as a consequence of positive action, then this would be something the Obama Administration could point to with pride. No thanks required.

The list is as secular as possible, not wanting to inflame any religious groups. I didn’t include any Biblical bad guys for whom God destroyed the earth over. I’d be okay with deleting Torquemada if the Pope didn’t want him included. He was quite the torturer though. But my purpose is to create immediate consensus and not foment more debate. I tried to de-politicize it as well. There are no known Democrats, Republicans, Libertarians, or Tea Partiers. There are several former Communists, but since America is still considered a capitalist country, their inclusion should be unobjectionable for most citizens.

Here is my recommended list of twenty-six future and forever hurricane names: Attila the Hun;Ted Bundy; Caligula; Dahmer, Jeffrey; Eichmann, Adolf; Ghenghis Khan; Goebbels, Joseph; Himmler, Heinrich; Hitler, Adolf; Idi Amin; Ivan the Terrible; Jones, Jim;Kim Il Sung Zedong;Lenin, Vladimir; Mengele, Josef; Mussolini, Benito; Nero; Osama Bin Ladin; Pol Pot; Robespierre, Maximilien; Saddam Hussein; Stalin Joseph; Tojo;Tomas de Torquemada; Vlad the Impaler;Zedong, Mao First Published: Stone Canoe,  Issue Number 9, 15 FEB 2015;

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